I sat and
stared at the positive pregnancy test in my hand, my first though? Well I was
continuing the cycle of my family, being a single parent and fighting through
the rest of life to do our best to give that child a good life. Second thought?
There has to be a family out there somewhere who wants a little beautiful
angel. The more and more I thought about what I was going to do the more I felt
strongly about keeping my little one. I have always been a mother at heart. I
have always had a dream to have a ton of children that I would love, teach, and
train. Maybe I could start now?
I battled for a week in my head.
Part of me telling me that I was just continuing the cycle and that I wouldn’t
do any good in this child’s life. I am the child of two drug addicted parents. One
with a tendency towards violence who enjoyed intimidating and hurting other
people. He was in jail around the time I was born and I didn’t have much
contact with him when I was younger. My mother just struggles from a need to be
loved and does things she believes will get her the love she craves and those
things only landed her further and further in a dark place. At the age of four
I was adopted after many trips in and out of foster care. I was passed around
for the first four years of my life and never felt as if I belonged anywhere or
even like I was wanted. When I was two my little sister was born and became
that one thing I could hold on to. We where both adopted together by my
biological aunt and she is now my mother. After my four years in foster care I
was a very angry and vindictive child. I never wanted my mother to know when I
was angry until later. So I would stand there with this insolent defiant look
on my face as she corrected me and then would go afterwards and destroy
something. My mother had no clue how to handle or combat this anger. She tried
destroying things of mine, placing me in a corner for a while, spanking, being
left in my room with no toys, and even one time wouldn’t allow us to call her
mom and told us we where to call her the maid. She tried so hard to correct my
behavior and tired all different types of punishment but none of it worked. I
began to terrorize my sister much as my biological father use to do to my
mother. My sister would own up to things
she never did just so I wouldn’t be mad at her and then take it out on her
because I did something wrong and wouldn’t own up to it. I know the child I use
to be and I know how hard it had to have been to deal with that type of child.
Around nine years old I was sent to live with my alcoholic
biological father. As far as I know he was no longer doing hardcore drugs but
was still smoking cigarettes and drinking quite a bit. I was pretty excited to
live with a biological parent. I thought they would understand me and love me
like I had always wanted and craved but I was wrong. I didn’t understand it
then but my biological father was not mentally unstable. It didn’t start out to
bad but I was acting out at school and my biological father responded to the
issues in anger and sometimes violently. He enjoyed scaring me and he even told
my mother (one who adopted me) his goal was to break me. Throughout that year
and a half God put his hand on my mother’s heart and showed her what was going
on in my mind. He gave her an understanding of me and prepared her to be able
to take me again. He also placed his hands on me and protected me. Things got
so bad with my biological father that I thought of suicide a few times and
every time a verse or something else would pop into my head and wipe away the
desire to die. I stopped acting out at home and only acted out at school. I no
longer had time at home to cause issues, I was either in the corner, in a
military position, being spanked repeatedly, or sitting in a chair not allowed
to do anything but homework until bed time. I was isolated from my cousins and
from my aunts and uncles. No one knew how bad the abuse was all they knew was
what my father told them. No one knew about the fear I lived in, the mental
abuse I was going through, the belt I got across my back once, the piece of
wood I was being spanked with up and down my legs and on my lower to mid back.
No one knew about any of it and when they found out they were in tears, asking
me why I never said anything. I went back to Arkansas a little before my
twelfth birthday. God touched my heart and told me I was going home and removed
a lot of my anger from my younger years. He healed a lot of the wounded and
gave me what I was looking for.
I went back to my adopted family and the next few years where
really good. I grew a lot in Christ and I learned more about how strong I
actually was and then my mother began learning things about our family, about
the illnesses in our family and things got pretty bad. I became defiant again,
her control issues came back, the verbal fights increased more and more until i
turned 16 then it became way worse. I went to public school and my views began
to change and I began to tell her what I was seeing in her and she told me what
she was seeing in me. A lot of times in elevated tones and anger laced around
every word. We tore into each other until one day I couldn’t take it anymore
and neither could she and I left. I moved in with my friend and paid about 250
bucks a month. I had my GED, my drivers licenses, and a job at 17 and I managed
to live on my own for a few months with my two other roommates and then they no
longer had room for me and I was determined to not go home and so I instead
contacted my family in Oregon and asked to move here.
I moved to Oregon September 5, 2015 and then I began learning
what it really takes to be on your own and support yourself completely. My
aunts taught me a lot about responsibility, relying on myself, and tried to
teach me how to manage money. I moved in with my grandfather February of 2016
and became more independent and then there I sat holding that little plastic
stick with two little pink lines. How was I going to do this when I had just
been fired from my sales job? How would I support a baby on a fast food salary?
I was barely able to pay my rent let alone pay for another human. My aunt
Melissa was the first person I wanted to talk to but she had so much going
on……..she was already super stressed. I called my best friend and she told me
it would be ok and promptly nick named me mama. We discussed how to tell the
father. I decided it was best to wait till after Christmas and tell him then.
Once I had told him he suggested an abortion and I looked into it for about
five seconds before ditching it. Then I decided fully that I wanted to keep it
and I told him so and then he freaked out and began having the same fears as
me. A little bit later I told my aunt and she told me we would figure it out.
We continued on for a few months me working at a fast food restaurant while
looking for other places and then I hit rock bottom. I was fired again. Now I
was pregnant, jobless, and nearly homeless since my grandfather no longer
wanted me there and I didn’t want to be there anymore.
I spent hours crying, scared that I would just ruin my baby’s
life but I was attached already. My depression got bad and my anxiety began
visiting more frequently and then my aunt called. My two aunts wanted to meet
for lunch both knowing where I was at. They suggested Saving Grace to me and
told me how much of a blessing this Cindy lady could be in my life if I would
let her. My aunt who is not a Christian and has pretty strong feelings about
religion told me how amazingly sweet, caring, and genuinely excited this lady
seemed. They both explained how this home could possibly be my saving grace and
God gently told me that he had a plan for me and a plan to prosper. He told me
he closed all the doors in Salem because it was time for me to leave. It was
time for me to leave my little safety net and leap with another safety net that
would then be removed and I would just have to trust him. So I called Cindy and
I set up a time to meet her. I walked into saving grace a few days later and
suddenly all my anxiety and fears left. This lady who didn’t know me, didn’t
have a clue about me wanted to help me bring an angel into the world and teach
me how to make it on my own and now I'm here, now I'm the first story or many
many more to come from this incredible refuge that will become other girls
Saving Grace as well.
This is just my story. Cindy Sorum has impacted the lives of many young single mothers and helped put them on a path of success. This non- profit organization is still about 2,000 dollars short for each months expenses. If you are looking for a good organization to give to and you feel you would like to contribute we would love to have you on our team. If you would simply like to know more or read more stories about us girls visit the organizations web site and spread the word. If you know of a girl who is pregnant,needs a home and between the ages of 13 and 25 don't be afraid to contact Cindy. http://www.savinggracematernityhome.org/
